I don’t want to be kind.
I don’t want to be understanding.
I don’t want to be loving.
I don’t want to be spiritual.
I don’t want to be compassionate.
I don’t want to be giving.
I don’t want to be good.
I don’t want to smile.
I don’t want to shine.
I don’t want your enlightenment.
Says a stroppy voice inside.
I stop in my tracks and listen.
‘No more nice’ she says.
She presents herself
as all my defences
as all my contractions
as frustration and irritation
as rage and fury
as exhaustion
as my inner child
as all that which I have
been trying to change
for so many years.
And she is not budging.
She will not shift.
F… you!
She says defiantly.
Unsure of how to be with her,
I say tentatively:
“How wise. I am so sorry,
I have tried to turn you
into my ideas
of enlightenment.
How rude of me!“
Now, I get the sense of the presence
of a very powerful Being.
I bow to her and whisper:
„I am so sorry for my ignorance.
I obviously haven’t got a clue.
Can I be your student?
Will you take me on?
Will you teach me the ancient ways?“
She smiles and winks at me.
Then she growls like a giant bear.
She stomps like a herd of elephants.
She roars like a majestic lion.
She soars like a mighty dragon.
And finally erupts in my body as molten lava.
Burning all the ‘nice and spiritual programs’
in my body.
Over time, she teaches me
how to be natural.
She shows me that when
all her moods are welcome
and treated as divinity,
when she is allowed to follow
what feels good and right for her,
she is naturally overflowing
in her giving.
She is for real.
She is the embodiment
of our Soul.
